Kate Middleton, I’ve always liked you.
I mean this – you seem like a regular kind of girl. Like someone I would want to get a beer with. Like someone who would prefer to be wearing sweatpants on the day you eject a human being from your womb, rather than a white and yellow number by Jenny Packham.
(That dress is lovely, by the way).
From one regular girl to another, I just have to say it: How the #$#*%# are you wearing that outfit right now?! Were they doing your makeup during contractions, or did they wait until someone cut the cord? Did you give birth at a salon?
What? How? When?
Every mother knows that for days (DAYS!) after you give birth every trip to the bathroom is a
walk limp through a bloody battlefield. Literally. I was constipated, bloated, and tethered to a catheter for a week after delivering, and you just stepped out of a resort, it appears.
I mean, you look fantastic (better than I looked on my wedding day if I’m being honest). But Kate, we all know that nobody in their right mind should have to get done up like that hours after a newborn barreled out the southern exit. It’s just not humane. Forget the royal crown, I’m pretty sure you’re still having flashbacks from the royal crowning.
You deserve a few days off.
Now go take off that WHITE DRESS (seriously, stylists – a WHITE DRESS on the day she GIVES BIRTH? Is that even a joke??) and sit on a bag of ice. Enjoy some granny panties. Don’t even worry about your makeup, because you are lovely and I think you can pull off the natural look for 48 hours without the Royal Palace crumbling.
I can’t imagine that these mesh numbers would sit very well under a form-fitting Jenny Packham dress.
General Public: Give Kate a break! Let her snuggle her baby girl. She’s just evicted a human from the B&B of her womb, remember? She’s earned a day off.
(Congratulations Kate and William!)
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